But the grandmothers taught me to paint

Start here at age  23. uncertain feeling out. what could my curiosity get me to do. but grandmothers taught me to paint. collecting drops of wisdom. past my eyes colors or shapes. I learned it was my heart. it puts beauty together. 

I miss spoke

PhD common area. semester one. I miss spoke. did I sound confident where I am not?? Social ANXIETY. but when I folded and refolded it, I realized the value of my best offering. It is me. seeing and supporting strengths in others. the sticky worry became a gift to slide under your door.

dissertation topic. choosing a devotion.

dissertation topic. choosing a devotion. change my mind. how can a shift in priority happen? Burnt out I am an annual but I want to make flowers year after year like a perennial. how does anything adjust. invest in longevity for themselves, for each other. can I trust that what is right for me is also for you and save some love for myself? learn sit and see.

Finding Draba.

Finding Draba (Brassicaceae). alpine study system. multiple species transitions from annual to perennial. dreading, reading, writing. all the intertwined in my mind. first born. drawn from life, I dropped back in. through my hands into my body. out of a sterile lab into the support and the dirt of the mountains. it was only the beginning. finding Draba

Seeking everything but me.

Running all over the states. seeking everything but me. Draba seed and data for my mentors, love from anyone I met and moving quickly for no reason? nourishment came only when I shared my love for my plants, nature,  science and adventure with fast friends. I saw light behind their eyes and wild new connections. 

Spirit-life-death required

I did not know what to do with the love I gathered all across the country. so I painted about science, plants and food and evolution. these things I find the sexiest. a whole exhibit for the people. for the city that showed me the spirit-life-death required for beauty.

I painted my face

for New Orleans I painted my face. Maybe I wanted them to know. I am not a scientist hiding life behind fact. I am a human heart sharing love. of nature and understanding. 

Painting with bubble gum

how to prepare for a qualifying exam with my dissertation committee? I have severe computer resistance! Painting all night for fun. with bubble gum. even in academia respect comes from play. but only if it is full mind-body commitment.

Plant allies

the slower I move the more I feel into you. plant allies you are the ones that hold me. with your medicine, beauty and lavender scented calm. 

new kind of rubric

new kind of rubric: embrace plant diversity as it guides us to our own. why does school want us all to be the same. when I am a climbing, blooming vine and you are a sturdy bold face flower. we can plant and play to create one funky unpredictable rhythm. that makes us dance all night. lets grow with. love: its that never stop.

like the water lily

Oil on my body, my food and in my paint. lessons of embodying the blue lotus flower. stillness at a nectar filled center. blurred lines between me and you, he and her. the female dragonfly just wants to make sure I know -- by keeping my stems light, I keep my self afloat. so I can make a safe space for her to lay her eggs.

the snow drift

the snow drift just inches away. studying Draba albertina starting to flower anyway. I tried to paint 10 all in one day. too many. and didn't like any of them

Deep Creek Mountains

too hot to walk in the Deep Creek Mountains. in western Utah. in a desert beyond the salt flats. just one today. I took naps in between strokes. I simplified. more of life captured.

all I had to do was share.

all I had to do was share. connect my scientific discovery to the journey of being me. a plant lover. and romantic. they saved me for last. international scientists drained at the end of the week. nurtured and inspired. connection to something bigger than. is not too much to ask

science survival

survival required. remember and re habituate. my motivations to continue to research. Science that grounds deeper into me can share more with you.

scientific paper

in a scientific paper. always smaller and more separate boxes. what do the weeds say? they say sit still and let. all the words settle into soil. breathe in the ways isolated thought schools come together. dissolving into my roots. for 8 years they sat waiting for me. to trust my capacity to see connection. now, forever, they sit together. in a painting.

on the day you were born.

on the day you were born. I could not wait any more. my sister's. my newest love. pura vida. when desire and creation gets me to see my self newly. angels trumpet a tissue paper symbol before death. of life as I know it. old goals dissolve. and then nature took over the shoes. 

Bold rose

phd completion and big dreams. trials. rejection and ghosting. trails refining me back to my self. a continued purification. bigger, bolder strokes. until fear was burned by my fire people. my mission is clear. my heart is open. my loves it is finally time to dance. 

taught to look

we are taught to look with our eyes and with our minds. to break things down. as if they are not a part of anything else 

too complicated. as if there is nothing to lose every time there is a fracture. a disconnect, an isolation. but my love, there is everything to loose. paralyzed in extraction. the heart cries at the center of the chest, I connect you to all that you crave- turn it all the way around. look though me, to see, everything can change in an instant.